Places everything into context. Like not having water or food, all other priorities fall in line automatically. You don't have time to waste time or be depressed, so you become more efficient as you have no other choice.
It's more 'mature' to do this with extreme focus on a positive goal or passion, but it works.
It's still bad advice, especially for those in the West right now, with a 50% divorce rate. Makes no sense.
That's a lie. This kind of advice is the reason why we have so many broken kids out there. Two unbroken people coming together to make babies they aren't ready to nurture.
Watching all them people chase knowledge, money, status, or more lofty ideas like a good life and self improvement, or bettering the world.. only to see them not have children, which is singlehandedly the most self-transforming experience in life - from where I'm stood, just looks a bit silly.
It's 100% a from where you stand scenario. For some, there is more transformation in other areas of life. Also, no, I don't mean being heavily materialistic.
Actually, to certain individuals, having a family is a hindrance to growth. It all depends on the person. Not everyone should have a family, even if they might be good at it.
It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. It helped you, but I see plenty of people who are parents and are awful at it. Then I see parents who think they are good at it, and others who genuinely are good at it. There are others still who have children, but not having those children (even if they are great parents) might have been better for their lives, and the lives of those around them.
If I had children right now, my life would be anti-liberating. I could not fulfill what my soul longs for. I could not support a child in the way a child needs. That does not mean I couldn't do it, and actually support a child, but maybe the most net positive thing for society right now, and a future family I may or may not have, is to not have a family before it makes sense to, if it ever does. I don't believe that to be wrong.
It's not just about having children. That's an incredibly unconscious take.
Who are you to say that the pursuit of knowledge, money, or status is any different than the pursuit of having a family?
It all comes down to the WHY you are in pursuit of something at all.
Some people have families simply because they want people to take care of them when they are older. That's the wrong reason to have a family. If you have a child, they owe you nothing; don't expect them to give anything to you at all when you brought them here.
There should be no expectations.
With money, the reason why you are trying to gather that money, and how it is gathered, is important. That's the same with status and knowledge. It's the same with family.
Look around at most families today, and everywhere all over the world. I don't think most people have a family simply to experience a family, and fully commit themselves to raising another being (which you can do with any child, by the way).
No, they have those families either by accident or on purpose, with expectations going into it (selfish reasons).
They might not even be capable of raising a child healthily.
Then we have to get into your partner. Is this partner one that will truly raise the child selflessly as well? Will they pass down their own traumas onto this child? Will you, even subconsiously, do that?
Are you both capable of raising that child with no expectation, without forcing them to believe anything you believe, simply because you think they should? Are you selfless enough to do that, or is having a family for you a selfish thing?
Who is to say that the way YOU raise your child is the "right" way?
Who is to say having a family is the MOST self-transforming experience in life?
These are all self-projections of individual perception over what is right and wrong. What is best or worst? Decernment can help figure this out, but at what point is that decernment coming from a place of lower awareness?
You can have a fulfilling life living alone in a cave. Maybe that sort of life is the most self-transforming thing for a certain person, while a family life would add very little.
Also, consider that there is no inherent meaning behind anything at all. You are the one giving it meaning within your own perception.
Family is not that meaningful at a certain level. Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean you should automatically care about them more than others. An orphaned child on the street is no different than your own child. You just can't separate the two, because your child is the priority, yet that child also needs a father. You just choose to care about your own because it's another aspect of your own self-preservation and survival. Also, you might not be able to give your own child the life you believe they deserve if you were to help another child... yet whose responsibility is it to raise that orphan? It gets tricky. We obviously can't help everyone, but being aware that you are the one choosing what or who is important is a great practice.
I'm not saying that parents looking after their own kids is wrong or something silly. Of course not. It's just important to realize that the only meaningful difference is that one is blood-related. Beyond that, it's still a person, like anyone.
To see those without children as silly is ironically the silliest thing.
Also, having a family simply because it's a self-transforming experience for certain people is not always the best reason to have a family (It also does not mean it's the wrong reason).
There are plenty of self-transforming experiences to be had. You simply go after the ones most aligned with you. Family is certainly not the *most* transforming for everyone other than yourself. Your experience does not equal all individual experiences.
You don't begin a sentence with "Am" except it's an interogative (a question). For any declarative statement or sentence, you must "I am" or the contraction "I'm" because "am" is a verb that needs a subject, "I", before it.
Dan, as I write this comment, I can’t help but wonder if it’s even appropriate to comment on your work, given that you’re one of the top writers on Substack. But you seem like someone who doesn’t shy away from feedback and instead uses it to refine and expand your perspective. So, I’ll try to keep this brief.
When I read your shorter notes, they often inspire me and make me think and that’s genuinely great. However, when I get to your longer and more complex pieces, I can’t shake the feeling of vagueness, oversimplification, and a certain sense of unfulfillment. A good example is the hook at the beginning of this text, where you write:
“I want to provide a look into the mindset, habits, skills to acquire, and principles that lead to an overwhelmingly high quality of life in today’s world.”
And yet, what follows are rather general recommendations: exercise, read, educate yourself, start your own thing (business)... It feels a bit like telling someone with anxiety “don’t be afraid, don’t worry,” or someone struggling with depression “don’t be sad, be happy.”
Such simplification and vagueness, in my opinion, add very little value. Emerging adulthood (20’s) is one of the most crucial and sensitive stages of personal development, a time when individuals explore not only their environment and social norms but also themselves: their personality, identity, and the roles they wish to fulfill. Oversimplifying how not to ruin your 20s can, therefore, have the opposite effect. It can foster a sense of failure among those who try to follow your “commandments” yet still feel lost and miserable; and for those who already live by such general principles - exercise, learn, journal, plan goals…it changes nothing. They’ve heard it all before and may still feel unfulfilled. Social media constantly bombards us with similar advice, recommendations that often serve more as disguised imperatives than genuine guidance. Why do we keep doing this?
Don’t get me wrong, I completely share your vision of developing an internal locus of control, taking agency in one’s life, and approaching it proactively. But vague advice rarely leads to that state, it doesn’t even point toward it. As you yourself wrote at the start, these are reflections from your current self to your past self - nothing more, nothing less.
Thank you for the food for thought, it was genuinely nice. If anyone has any insights, I look forward to hearing them.
The idea of “waste” is more fluid than we admit. What feels meaningful in one chapter can appear misplaced in another. It isn’t a static measure of time or effort but a reflection of who we are when we look back.
In my twenties, I believed every decision had purpose. In my thirties, I thought growth meant momentum. Now, I see that waste often hides inside patterns that no longer serve us-routines we outgrow, ambitions that no longer fit, identities we’ve already shed.
Realizing this isn’t about regret. It’s about awareness. You don’t change because you hate who you were; you change because you’ve outlived that version of yourself. And if you’re lucky, that realization arrives quietly one day, disguised as the urge to start over.
What we call “waste” might just be the tuition we pay for becoming someone new.
-I’m able to see the connections in my interests much better
-The more I write the more ideas I have.
From marketing:
-I see what motivates people to take action, -Which words lead to certain results (helps me write better)
-Why people do the things they do every day
From sales:
-How to make any business actually work
-How to get your customers to sell for you
Basically all three skills have a ton of overlap with each other, and learning all three has allowed me to be a better thinker and improve my business financially without having to spend more time working.
If you are 30 you will start to lose energy and have more commitments and less likely to take risks. Lets say you are able bodied till 55, and you neglected to do something productive in your 20's. That is 10years of 35 prime years. The competition does not wait! You will be set in your habits. Act today, because yesterday was better.
I will bookmark this article for when I find a time machine.
After I was diagnosed correctly about 6+ years ago, I listened intently to the psychologist explain how my neurology was working against me, and why the simple treatment works so well.
After a pause, I said “Ok. Thank you. Now I just need you to please get into a time machine and find me at the age of 23, and say the same thing. That way I will not waste 24 years stumbling around without proper treatment.”
Life keeps giving you the same lesson until you finally learn it. Mine came dressed in new faces, failed plans, and missed timing — but the message was always the same: Wait.
Yes. I got lucky. I was always a rebel and free-thinker. I wanted to think for myself, find my own values. As a teen I did the punk rock thing until I realized that was just as silly and trendy as everything else. From there on it was me making a lot of mistakes, traveling, not going to college, reading a shit-ton, and doing things the hard way on my own terms. I started writing. I hopped freight trains. I always did things alone. There were plenty of women along the way, too, of course. And drinking. I got sober at 27. Now I'm 42 and I'm an author and I live with my wife in Spain. Why not? But yes: Most people just follow the herd. People are weak, scared and don't think too deeply in general. You can see why people make terrible life choices, especially when in groups.
If I could talk to my 20 year old self, I would tell him to chill out. I was too worried about whether or not I was doing the right things (I was), I was stressed about if I was doing enough to get closer to my goals, and always fearing things I couldn't control.
I'm turning 20 in a month. And I'm also worried about these things. Thank you for your words. I would be very grateful if you could share some more thoughts and your learnings.
Get married. Have kids. Everything else falls into place.
Unless you allready are in top 10% sexual market value, or in a religious community, dating is broken for most young people today. Self maxx and wait.
It's not though. Why people buy into this is beyond me.
Localized dating is broken if you believe you are stuck in the US/UK/European matrix.
But there are MILLIONS of women spanning continents that dream, literally, of a foreign partner.
Just set yourself up internationally. Fish in a barrel. Never been easier.
Could you elaborate on why this advice is good
Places everything into context. Like not having water or food, all other priorities fall in line automatically. You don't have time to waste time or be depressed, so you become more efficient as you have no other choice.
It's more 'mature' to do this with extreme focus on a positive goal or passion, but it works.
It's still bad advice, especially for those in the West right now, with a 50% divorce rate. Makes no sense.
That's a lie. This kind of advice is the reason why we have so many broken kids out there. Two unbroken people coming together to make babies they aren't ready to nurture.
This.
Watching all them people chase knowledge, money, status, or more lofty ideas like a good life and self improvement, or bettering the world.. only to see them not have children, which is singlehandedly the most self-transforming experience in life - from where I'm stood, just looks a bit silly.
It's 100% a from where you stand scenario. For some, there is more transformation in other areas of life. Also, no, I don't mean being heavily materialistic.
Actually, to certain individuals, having a family is a hindrance to growth. It all depends on the person. Not everyone should have a family, even if they might be good at it.
It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. It helped you, but I see plenty of people who are parents and are awful at it. Then I see parents who think they are good at it, and others who genuinely are good at it. There are others still who have children, but not having those children (even if they are great parents) might have been better for their lives, and the lives of those around them.
If I had children right now, my life would be anti-liberating. I could not fulfill what my soul longs for. I could not support a child in the way a child needs. That does not mean I couldn't do it, and actually support a child, but maybe the most net positive thing for society right now, and a future family I may or may not have, is to not have a family before it makes sense to, if it ever does. I don't believe that to be wrong.
It's not just about having children. That's an incredibly unconscious take.
Who are you to say that the pursuit of knowledge, money, or status is any different than the pursuit of having a family?
It all comes down to the WHY you are in pursuit of something at all.
Some people have families simply because they want people to take care of them when they are older. That's the wrong reason to have a family. If you have a child, they owe you nothing; don't expect them to give anything to you at all when you brought them here.
There should be no expectations.
With money, the reason why you are trying to gather that money, and how it is gathered, is important. That's the same with status and knowledge. It's the same with family.
Look around at most families today, and everywhere all over the world. I don't think most people have a family simply to experience a family, and fully commit themselves to raising another being (which you can do with any child, by the way).
No, they have those families either by accident or on purpose, with expectations going into it (selfish reasons).
They might not even be capable of raising a child healthily.
Then we have to get into your partner. Is this partner one that will truly raise the child selflessly as well? Will they pass down their own traumas onto this child? Will you, even subconsiously, do that?
Are you both capable of raising that child with no expectation, without forcing them to believe anything you believe, simply because you think they should? Are you selfless enough to do that, or is having a family for you a selfish thing?
Who is to say that the way YOU raise your child is the "right" way?
Who is to say having a family is the MOST self-transforming experience in life?
These are all self-projections of individual perception over what is right and wrong. What is best or worst? Decernment can help figure this out, but at what point is that decernment coming from a place of lower awareness?
You can have a fulfilling life living alone in a cave. Maybe that sort of life is the most self-transforming thing for a certain person, while a family life would add very little.
Also, consider that there is no inherent meaning behind anything at all. You are the one giving it meaning within your own perception.
Family is not that meaningful at a certain level. Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean you should automatically care about them more than others. An orphaned child on the street is no different than your own child. You just can't separate the two, because your child is the priority, yet that child also needs a father. You just choose to care about your own because it's another aspect of your own self-preservation and survival. Also, you might not be able to give your own child the life you believe they deserve if you were to help another child... yet whose responsibility is it to raise that orphan? It gets tricky. We obviously can't help everyone, but being aware that you are the one choosing what or who is important is a great practice.
I'm not saying that parents looking after their own kids is wrong or something silly. Of course not. It's just important to realize that the only meaningful difference is that one is blood-related. Beyond that, it's still a person, like anyone.
To see those without children as silly is ironically the silliest thing.
Also, having a family simply because it's a self-transforming experience for certain people is not always the best reason to have a family (It also does not mean it's the wrong reason).
There are plenty of self-transforming experiences to be had. You simply go after the ones most aligned with you. Family is certainly not the *most* transforming for everyone other than yourself. Your experience does not equal all individual experiences.
Was trying to find something to read. And btw im turning 20 in a week and all😭
Am 19 currently also, turning 20 early next year
*I'm or I am.
??
You don't begin a sentence with "Am" except it's an interogative (a question). For any declarative statement or sentence, you must "I am" or the contraction "I'm" because "am" is a verb that needs a subject, "I", before it.
That’s great! All the best. Wish you a good life)
yeah, thanks
Same to you too
Dan, as I write this comment, I can’t help but wonder if it’s even appropriate to comment on your work, given that you’re one of the top writers on Substack. But you seem like someone who doesn’t shy away from feedback and instead uses it to refine and expand your perspective. So, I’ll try to keep this brief.
When I read your shorter notes, they often inspire me and make me think and that’s genuinely great. However, when I get to your longer and more complex pieces, I can’t shake the feeling of vagueness, oversimplification, and a certain sense of unfulfillment. A good example is the hook at the beginning of this text, where you write:
“I want to provide a look into the mindset, habits, skills to acquire, and principles that lead to an overwhelmingly high quality of life in today’s world.”
And yet, what follows are rather general recommendations: exercise, read, educate yourself, start your own thing (business)... It feels a bit like telling someone with anxiety “don’t be afraid, don’t worry,” or someone struggling with depression “don’t be sad, be happy.”
Such simplification and vagueness, in my opinion, add very little value. Emerging adulthood (20’s) is one of the most crucial and sensitive stages of personal development, a time when individuals explore not only their environment and social norms but also themselves: their personality, identity, and the roles they wish to fulfill. Oversimplifying how not to ruin your 20s can, therefore, have the opposite effect. It can foster a sense of failure among those who try to follow your “commandments” yet still feel lost and miserable; and for those who already live by such general principles - exercise, learn, journal, plan goals…it changes nothing. They’ve heard it all before and may still feel unfulfilled. Social media constantly bombards us with similar advice, recommendations that often serve more as disguised imperatives than genuine guidance. Why do we keep doing this?
Don’t get me wrong, I completely share your vision of developing an internal locus of control, taking agency in one’s life, and approaching it proactively. But vague advice rarely leads to that state, it doesn’t even point toward it. As you yourself wrote at the start, these are reflections from your current self to your past self - nothing more, nothing less.
Thank you for the food for thought, it was genuinely nice. If anyone has any insights, I look forward to hearing them.
Most people mistake motion for evolution.
They move fast, but within the same loop.
Real growth begins only when speed loses its appeal.
The idea of “waste” is more fluid than we admit. What feels meaningful in one chapter can appear misplaced in another. It isn’t a static measure of time or effort but a reflection of who we are when we look back.
In my twenties, I believed every decision had purpose. In my thirties, I thought growth meant momentum. Now, I see that waste often hides inside patterns that no longer serve us-routines we outgrow, ambitions that no longer fit, identities we’ve already shed.
Realizing this isn’t about regret. It’s about awareness. You don’t change because you hate who you were; you change because you’ve outlived that version of yourself. And if you’re lucky, that realization arrives quietly one day, disguised as the urge to start over.
What we call “waste” might just be the tuition we pay for becoming someone new.
Tuition is freaking expensive.
I just turned 24. For the past 2 months, I’ve started to learn high leverage skills: writing, marketing, sales.
I cannot believe how much my life has changed only in 2 months. My eyes are being opened wider and wider to what’s possible every day.
It has never been about doing more work, but learning more skills to do better work within less time.
What has changed
From Writing:
-I think clearer
-I’m able to see the connections in my interests much better
-The more I write the more ideas I have.
From marketing:
-I see what motivates people to take action, -Which words lead to certain results (helps me write better)
-Why people do the things they do every day
From sales:
-How to make any business actually work
-How to get your customers to sell for you
Basically all three skills have a ton of overlap with each other, and learning all three has allowed me to be a better thinker and improve my business financially without having to spend more time working.
This is super validating, thank you !
If you’re in your 30’s it’s not too late.
If you are 30 you will start to lose energy and have more commitments and less likely to take risks. Lets say you are able bodied till 55, and you neglected to do something productive in your 20's. That is 10years of 35 prime years. The competition does not wait! You will be set in your habits. Act today, because yesterday was better.
I will bookmark this article for when I find a time machine.
After I was diagnosed correctly about 6+ years ago, I listened intently to the psychologist explain how my neurology was working against me, and why the simple treatment works so well.
After a pause, I said “Ok. Thank you. Now I just need you to please get into a time machine and find me at the age of 23, and say the same thing. That way I will not waste 24 years stumbling around without proper treatment.”
Take me with you.
I'm turning 20 next month. Thank you for this piece.
Sure, but. This is still a sales funnel for some thingidy thing.
Your advice seems to live in self-absorbed isolation.
Where is:
Falling in love
Marriage, partnership, commitment
Having kids
Navigating actual employment with bosses and colleagues
Learning to work within systems you don't control
Career progression through real organizations
Compromise, sacrifice, obligations
savings, pensions, insurance
Planning for the day you need to spend without earning
it all depends on what you are optimizing for
some people actually don't want most of what is on your list
some people feel like they were sold a thingdy thing called
a good normal life
and one day they wake up
and hate what they've manifested
Life keeps giving you the same lesson until you finally learn it. Mine came dressed in new faces, failed plans, and missed timing — but the message was always the same: Wait.
Here’s how I turned waiting into a weapon:
https://open.substack.com/pub/hutchykc/p/the-waiting-room?r=5uzq6q&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Yes. I got lucky. I was always a rebel and free-thinker. I wanted to think for myself, find my own values. As a teen I did the punk rock thing until I realized that was just as silly and trendy as everything else. From there on it was me making a lot of mistakes, traveling, not going to college, reading a shit-ton, and doing things the hard way on my own terms. I started writing. I hopped freight trains. I always did things alone. There were plenty of women along the way, too, of course. And drinking. I got sober at 27. Now I'm 42 and I'm an author and I live with my wife in Spain. Why not? But yes: Most people just follow the herd. People are weak, scared and don't think too deeply in general. You can see why people make terrible life choices, especially when in groups.
42 ... the secret to the universe. - Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
I'm here now too.
I hope the 20 somethings look at this can see this as a message "from the future."
Adventure is fine, but avoid harmful addiction at all cost.
Am Sober coming up on three years.
Sobriety.
so freaking underrated.
If I could talk to my 20 year old self, I would tell him to chill out. I was too worried about whether or not I was doing the right things (I was), I was stressed about if I was doing enough to get closer to my goals, and always fearing things I couldn't control.
I'm turning 20 in a month. And I'm also worried about these things. Thank you for your words. I would be very grateful if you could share some more thoughts and your learnings.
Heh, now I feel like I need to find an article that goes "Fine, you wasted your twenties, now here's the article how not to waste your forties" )
I see these protocols pointing to one first principle:
Get good at being happy.
You can achieve more.
You can want less.
Two sides of the same coin, equally difficult.
reverseengineeringharmony.substack.com